


San Tropez

by Breakinglight11



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Angst and Humor, Author's Note, Canon Compliant, Complete, Dialogue-Only, F/M, Family Bonding, Heart-to-Heart, Humor, Light Angst, MJN Air Is A Family, Reminiscing, Romance, Screenplay/Script Format, bottle episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-02-21 23:20:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2485949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Breakinglight11/pseuds/Breakinglight11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The MJN crew has to take an engaged couple to a party in San Tropez, but the couple's behavior does little to soothe Martin's current romantic worries. In an effort to buck him up, the rest of the crew share their own stories of romance past, and all the travails that came with them. Takes place after "Xinzhou" but before "Yverdon-les-Bains."</p><p>This is written in emulation of the style of the original, attempting to be as much like an additional episode of the series as possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Any Proximity-to-be-Weds

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xmisspolaris](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=xmisspolaris).



> I wanted this to feel as much like an additional episode as possible. It's written in audio script format with the intention of working out to about a thirty or so minute runtime if performed aloud. I plan to release it one scene a week. I did my best to make it feel like the series, but it's certainly challenging to emulate John Finnemore's signature style!
> 
> Dedicated to my friend Gabrielle Geller, who introduced me to Cabin Pressure.

  
CABIN PRESSURE  
SAN TROPEZ  
By Phoebe Roberts  
~~~

MUSIC: CABIN PRESSURE THEME

MARTIN: Cabin Pressure, by Phoebe Roberts! Starring Stephanie Cole as Carolyn, Roger Allam as Douglas, Benedict Cumberbatch as Martin, and John Finnemore as Arthur. This week… San Tropez!

SOUND: AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

SCENE 1 - INT. CABIN OF PLANE

DOUGLAS: Morning, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Morning, Douglas!

DOUGLAS: Has anyone else arrived?

ARTHUR: Well, Skip's doing the walkaround, but—

SOUND: MARTIN PASSING BRISKLY THROUGH

MARTIN: Save it, Douglas, whatever your nonsense today, I don't have time for it!

DOUGLAS: Well, that's my nonsense told. How about Carolyn?

ARTHUR: Mum's here too, but—

CAROLYN: Douglas, if you are thinking about starting with me today, let me thoroughly disabuse you of the notion.

DOUGLAS: Consider me disabused. I see everyone's just a vibrant ray of sunshine today.

ARTHUR: Thanks, Douglas, I do my best!

DOUGLAS: Oh, except for you, Arthur. You are not so much a ray as a pure concentrated laser beam. So what's got you in such a foul mood, Carolyn?

CAROLYN: That bears a remarkable resemblance to starting with me, Douglas.

DOUGLAS: All right. What's got you in such a completely normal mood, Carolyn? 

CAROLYN: Oh, it's just the clients for today. A Miss... Trudy Cadwallader, and a Mr. Clifford Speedwell the Third.

SOUND: MARTIN PASSING BRISKLY THROUGH

MARTIN: The third? There's three blokes who've been inflicted with a name like Clifford Speedwell?

CAROLYN: Just the sort of toffs you'd expect. They're an engaged couple we're flying to his parents' anniversary party at their summer home in San Tropez.

DOUGLAS: That would be Mr. and Mrs. Biff Speedtrap the Second, presumably. So we're taking a pair young lovers to a joyous occasion in a beach paradise? Sounds absolutely terrible.

CAROLYN: I just hate flying newlyweds. Or, almost-to-be-weds. Or any sort of proximity to-be-weds.

SOUND: MARTIN PASSING BRISKLY THROUGH

MARTIN: Oh, yes, that kind of joy, there's just something oppressive about it.

CAROLYN: If you're going to contribute, do you mind standing still enough for me to smack you for it? As for newlyweds, they're irritatingly silly, they're impossible to talk to, you have to wait for them to get through with their embarrassing displays in public. To say nothing of what use they make of the restroom!

SOUND: MUFFLED VOICES YELLING

ARTHUR: Mum, I think they're here!

CAROLYN: Oh, battle stations, everyone.

SOUND: CABIN DOOR OPENING

CAROLYN: Ah, yes— hello! Welcome to MJN—

SOUND: FEET STOMPING IN

CLIFF: I swear, Trudy, that girl wouldn't leave me alone!

TRUDY: Of course she wasn't, you were practically trying to shove that twenty quid down her blouse!

CLIFF: What kind of tosser doesn't tip the waitress?

TRUDY: What kind of tosser bribes the staff to make him feel like a big man!? Or wasn't that the tip you were thinking of!?

SOUND: VOICES TAPERING OFF

SOUND: FEET STOMPING THROUGH

CAROLYN: As I was saying... right this way...

(Pause.)

DOUGLAS: On the bright side, Carolyn, it looks like you won't have a problem.


	2. Meet Trudy and Cliff

SCENE 2 - INT. CABIN OF PLANE

CAROLYN: Hello, I am Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, and I’d like to welcome you on behalf of MJN Air.

CLIFF: This is the plane?

ARTHUR: We call her Gertie!

CLIFF: Oh, God. All it needs is a couple of passed-out drunks under the seats and it might as well be the Tube.

TRUDY: Oh, I'm sure you'll fix that once you get them to open the liquor cabinet. 

CAROLYN: While Arthur and I are here to make your trip as smooth as possible, we must draw the line at anything that leaves passengers actually incapacitated.

ARTHUR: But, Mum! What about the time the fight broke out with the football team and you used that empty Jameson’s bottle to—

CAROLYN: Thank you, Arthur! I trust we needn’t worry about riots breaking out between a pair of fiancés.

TRUDY: Don’t be so certain, if Cliff doesn’t stop texting the towel girl at the tennis club. 

CLIFF: Blimey, Trude, give it a rest. What’s everybody going to say when you show up making a mug like you’re a bulldog that somebody kicked in the face?

ARTHUR: Mum says you’re on your way to an anniversary party in San Tropez!

TRUDY: Oh, is that why we’re slingshotting ourselves across the Pacific in a junk heap somebody shot down in the Second World War? We have to go halfway around the world so you can let waitresses sit on your lap while your father tells us how his portfolio and his prostate are doing?

CLIFF: No, it’s because I'm not shut up in enough tiny boxes that I can't get out of while you harangue me. 

TRUDY: You never listen to a word I say anyway!

CLIFF: How could I, when you’ve always got me bleeding from the ears!?

TRUDY: Well, have it your way! I am not speaking to you, Cliff! Clifford, do you hear me!? Come back here so I can tell you how I am never speaking to you again! You never listen to me, Clifford! Cliff!

CLIFF: (yelling from the rear) What have you got to drink on this flying bus?

INT. FLIGHT DECK

SOUND: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

CAROLYN: Martin, Douglas, have you seen the Johnnie Walker anywhere?

MARTIN: It’s ten o’clock in the morning!

CAROLYN: It’s an emergency, I assure you. Oh, I would have stocked something a little nicer if I didn’t have to worry about Douglas nicking it. 

DOUGLAS: I’m strictly a Tallisker man. Won’t Tartan be good enough for old whatshisname… “Stiff Speedbump?”

MARTIN: You’d better not let them hear you say that. 

DOUGLAS: Oh, no? Will that mean they won’t talk to me? Because that would be terrible.


	3. Back on the Bobsled

SCENE 3 - INT. FLIGHT DECK

DOUGLAS: Fuel balanced, Captain. Captain?

(Pause.)

DOUGLAS: Martin!

MARTIN: Ah! What!?

DOUGLAS: What's got you so on edge?

MARTIN: No, no, just leave it, Douglas. Can't we just... enjoy the quiet?

CLIFF: (from the cabin) For Christ's sake, already, she was just helping me into my coat!

DOUGLAS: Evidently not.

MARTIN: Seriously, Douglas, I've got a lot on my mind, and I just want to hear myself think.

TRUDY: (from the cabin) It looked like she was helping _herself_ into your coat!

MARTIN: Ugh!

DOUGLAS: You might as well just tell me. 

MARTIN: I don't want to talk about it.

DOUGLAS: Oh, come on. It's either have a chat, or listen to Tiff and Snooty tear into one another back there.

MARTIN: Well, if you must know... it's that Theresa and I, well, we've got a date coming up.

DOUGLAS: I thought things were going swimmingly. Against all sensible odds.

MARTIN: They are! It's only that... it's not so much a date. It's a trip she wants to go on. An overnight trip. 

DOUGLAS: Why, Martin— do you mean—

MARTIN: (Sigh) Yes!

DOUGLAS: Oh-ho! Time's come to storm the princess's battlements, eh?

MARTIN: Douglas! That's disgusting!

DOUGLAS: Do you at least take the hat off for that? Or does she like you to keep it on? 

MARTIN: I don't even know if things are headed that way! But... I don't want to be unprepared.

DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin. Surely you don’t mean you’re— 

MARTIN: What? No! Not that it’s any of your business, but I do have my petanque team. 

DOUGLAS: And now it's well and truly a bobsled. Well, fear not, Martin! You've come to the right man for pointers.

MARTIN: Oh, God, no!

DOUGLAS: We will see your sled cross that finish line, fully loaded, hopefully not first, and with no parties injured or grievously disappointed!

MARTIN: Ahhhhhhh, Douglas, will you please stop talking about my ruddy bobsled!?

SOUND: FLIGHT DECK DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.

CAROLYN: For heaven's sake, Martin, isn't there enough yelling going on in this tiny metal room already?

MARTIN: Douglas is asking very invasive questions!

DOUGLAS: About his overnight trip with Theresa.

CAROLYN: Why, Douglas! Are you so hard up these days that you’re keen on living through Martin, of all people? 

DOUGLAS: Hardly. It's something like watching a nature program— it's not your cup of tea exactly, but you find yourself curious how they get up to it anyhow.


	4. Not Speaking to You

SCENE 4 – INT. CABIN OF PLANE

ARTHUR: Good day to yourself, madam, is there any comfortability I can performify for yourself in my fulfillification of my officiality as steward? 

TRUDY: What?

ARTHUR: Can I get you anything?

TRUDY: How about a man that would let me drag him around by the collar and sit up and speak if I asked?

ARTHUR: Uh... I think Skip's a little busy flying the plane. 

CLIFF: Don't you have a purse dog to smother?

TRUDY: Steward, could you go inform my fellow passenger that I am still not speaking to him?

ARTHUR: Righto! Mr. Speedwell, Miss Cadwallader says to tell you—

CLIFF: I'm not deaf, kid. God doesn't answer that particular prayer around here!

ARTHUR: In that case, hello! I am your flight attendant! Please tell me in what manner I can attend your flight!

CLIFF: You want to help me out? Why don't you tell the princess over there that if she isn't going to speak to me, could she try shutting up for a bleeding minute?

ARTHUR: Uh... Miss Cadwallader, Mr. Speedwell requests that, if you're going to be quiet, you be certain you have nothing to say.

TRUDY: Then tell Mr. Speedwell that since I'm not talking to him, I'll say whatever I bloody well please!

ARTHUR: All right... Mr. Speedwell, Miss Cadwallader would have you understand that she is addressing persons other than yourself.

CLIFF: Then you tell her that if she addresses them any louder, she's going to bust that gut she just had me pay so much for!

ARTHUR: Uh— Miss Cadwallader—!

TRUDY: Tell him it didn't cost a fraction so much as those sodding tooth caps of his!

ARTHUR: Oh, gosh. Mr. Speedwell—!

CLIFF: Tell her highness that if she stopped scowling once in a while she might not need to shoot all that Botox into her face!

ARTHUR: Uh—

TRUDY: Tell his nibs to take one look at his father and see if a man with that much turkey neck in his future ought to be making jabs!

ARTHUR: Uh—

CLIFF: Tell her that I'd rather look like a ruddy sharpei than spend the rest of my life anchored to a keening shrew of a woman who'll gnaw every last scrap of flesh from my bones! 

TRUDY: We'll, I'd rather have my brain pulled out of my head through my nostrils with corkscrews and be fed piece by piece to ravenous carrion birds than be yoked to drunken philandering Neanderthal of a man who will drag me into the rotted, pickled, mouldering depths of his family's cave for the rest of eternity! Can you tell him that!?

(Pause.)

ARTHUR: No, madam, I really can't!


	5. Old Romantic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally getting into the old relationship stuff. Which is what I bet most of you are probably here for. Tried hard to make it fit with what we know of everyone. Hope it's to your liking! :-)

SCENE 5 – INT. FLIGHT DECK

MARTIN: Ew, Douglas!

DOUGLAS: It works!

MARTIN: Come on, she’d never stand for it!

DOUGLAS: Hand to God! You’ve just got to get it just so, and if you’ve done it right, she’ll be too carried off to get in a huff over it. 

MARTIN: Does that really work!?

DOUGLAS: Like a charm! In fact, if you’re feeling daring, you can—

MARTIN: No, no, don't tell me! 

DOUGLAS: Oh, good heavens, Martin. Hung up much?

MARTIN: Yes, like a proper Englishman!

DOUGLAS: That’s the attitude that makes the rest of the world look for romance from the French.

MARTIN: I just don’t want to bollocks this up. I don't have the best track record with women.

DOUGLAS: I rather got that when you tried chatting up that hostie at the Cardiff airport by telling her her skin looked delicious. 

MARTIN: I don't know what's wrong with me!

(Pause.)

DOUGLAS: That one's so easy I can't even bear to touch it.

MARTIN: Thanks for that, Douglas. Well, whatever obvious glaring things they may be, it doesn't help that I get so nervous.

DOUGLAS: You? Nervous? Never!

MARTIN: I just panic, I can't help it! Even if by some miracle things are going well, before long I start obsessing over how they could possibly want to be with me.

DOUGLAS: Aren't you reassured by the fact that they're there at all?

MARTIN: Oh, think about it, Douglas! Would you want to be with me?

DOUGLAS: While I see your point, I'm not sure I'm a representative sample.

MARTIN: Well, the fact is, I panic, whether they want to be there or not. And I end up clinging to them so hard I frighten them off.

DOUGLAS: Nothing puts a little confidence in you like a few tricks up your sleeve. 

MARTIN: Will you come off that?

DOUGLAS: I thought you wanted to get your bobsled back in the race! Sounds as if you've been out of the running for some time now.

MARTIN: Yes, yes, okay? But I like this girl! I'm not looking to— have one off in the cloakroom at the BAFTAs with someone whose name I wouldn't even know if they didn't announce her for Best Supporting Actress!

DOUGLAS: That was one occasion, Martin! I don't know why I even told you about that, it isn't as if you appreciate it.

MARTIN: I'm just trying to take a slightly more... romantic approach.

DOUGLAS: Here now! There's more to me than just a devastatingly magnetic ladykiller. I've a romantic side too. You see, Martin, it's all part of the game. Like when I met my first wife— let me tell you, when a woman is forced into a bridesmaid's dress as hideous as that one, she'll be on the lookout for the first possible opportunity to get out of it. And that is a tip from me to you. 

MARTIN: Sounds like a very solid foundation for a relationship.

DOUGLAS: Oh, not at all. She was a lot of fun, Joan was, but we weren't quite as suited other ways. It got to the point where I was picking fights just so we could scream at one other already and skip ahead to the snogging. 

MARTIN: Does that work?

DOUGLAS: Makeup sex, my friend. God’s gift to hot-tempered women and the men whose every move manages to irritate them.

MARTIN: Irritating women has never gotten me that result before.

DOUGLAS: I suppose I don't recommend it. Nothing kills the development of skills at conflict resolution like trying to shag all your troubles away.

MARTIN: I'd like to stay in the game long enough to have conflicts before I worry about how we're going to resolve them.

DOUGLAS: I commend your optimism, old boy. But I've got experience there too. Now, Melinda, my second wife, she was much more sensible. She had things like goals. And plans. And a checking account.

MARTIN: And that drew you to her?

DOUGLAS: Well, I thought as my life grew more, shall we say, chaotic, I thought it might do me good to settle on someone steadier. And I've always been drawn to women who can hold their own in a back-and-forth. 

MARTIN: Oh-ho, does Carolyn know about that? She ought to know what she's getting into with your cracking verbal sparring.

DOUGLAS: Carolyn? I'm a brave man, Martin, not a damn fool.

MARTIN: But again with the rows. I'm beginning to notice a pattern.

DOUGLAS: Well, it took me long enough, but I finally wised up.

MARTIN: When you split up with Melinda?

DOUGLAS: Actually when she split up with me. When the drinking got to be too much. 

MARTIN: Oh.

DOUGLAS: As I said. She was much more sensible than Joan. 

(Pause.)

MARTIN: I'm sorry.

DOUGLAS: So it goes. It wasn't all bad, you know. I did get Emily out of the deal.

MARTIN: You'll forgive me if I'm not feeling particularly encouraged.

DOUGLAS: Oh, don't give up. I'll have you know that, despite it all, I'm a great fan of marriage.

MARTIN: Well, you'd have to be, to do it as many times as you have.

DOUGLAS: At least that's not you're concern now.

MARTIN: Isn't it?

DOUGLAS: I know you're not just trying to get one over, Martin, but I should say that's moving a little fast.

MARTIN: No, no, I mean... all I'm saying is, if I do... get one over... I'd like to... stay over. Once I've... once I've gotten there. If you know what I mean.

DOUGLAS: I hate it say it, but I rather think I do.


	6. Full-Service Flight

SCENE 6 – INT. CABIN OF PLANE

ARTHUR: Excuse me. Miss Cadwallader?

TRUDY: What is it?

ARTHUR: Just wanted to see if you’re all right. After you… threw that highball glass at Mr. Speedwell.

TRUDY: And missed. So how do you think I’m doing?

ARTHUR: Well, in that case, is there anything I can do so that you enjoy your flight more?

TRUDY: Are you a better shot than me?

ARTHUR: Probably not.

TRUDY: Hmph. Still, that’s remarkably considerate of you. Unlike some people.

(Pause.) 

TRUDY: You know… I can’t believe I never noticed what a dashing fellow you are. And so attentive!

ARTHUR: Uh… thanks, miss. Something wrong with your eyes?

TRUDY: Just looking at you, handsome.

ARTHUR: I’m… sorry?

TRUDY: Oh, no. Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Jimmy Stewart?

ARTHUR: No. Buster Brown, once or twice.

TRUDY: Well, it’s very smart on you.

ARTHUR: Heh. Haven’t heard that one before either!

TRUDY: And you seem like you know how to treat a lady.

ARTHUR: Well, Mum says we live or die on satisfying the customer.

TRUDY: Ooh! Now you’ve got me all a-flutter.

ARTHUR: You know, we have got drops in the first aid kit.

TRUDY: No, no, there’s something else you can help me with. I’ve just got this terrible… pain in my neck, you see. It’s been bothering me since before we took off. I could use a pair of big strong hands to… work it out for me. If you take my meaning.

ARTHUR: Uh…

TRUDY: You asked how you could serve me, didn’t you? Well, I’ve been craving a little something sweet.

ARTHUR: Like cheesecake?

TRUDY: Like steward.

ARTHUR: I... don't think that's on the menu.

TRUDY: I thought you wanted to help me out!

ARTHUR: Of course, I love helping!

TRUDY: Then do you work at being this thick!?

ARTHUR: No, I’m just really good at it!

TRUDY: Then let me be clearer— come over here already!

ARTHUR: Ah! I don’t think Mr. Speedwell would be quite keen on this!

TRUDY: Perfect!

SOUND: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

CAROLYN: Arthur, haven’t you finished with the drinks service— oh, good heavens.

ARTHUR: Mum! It’s— not what it looks like!

TRUDY: For Christ’s sake!

CAROLYN: Madam, I regret to inform you that this does not fall under the heading of “full service flight.”

TRUDY: You were supposed to be Cliff!

CLIFF: (From the back of the plane) Trudy, will you keep it down? Trying to catch the scores here!

TRUDY: You ought to me trying to catch me, you troglodyte! You’re not the only one who’s popular with the service people!

CLIFF: Yeah, yeah. Try not to leave marks on this one, will you? I’m not paying for any more hospital bills!

CAROLYN: Come along, Arthur. 

ARTHUR: Mum— I swear I didn’t—

CAROLYN: No, no, I quite understand. Or rather, I don’t understand, but I’ve come to accept there are more things in heaven and earth. She doesn't belong to a pony club, does she?

TRUDY: How did you know?

CAROLYN: It's like bloody witchcraft, it is!


	7. Ordinary Level of Horrid

SCENE 7 – INT. FLIGHT DECK

SOUND: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

CAROLYN: Make room, boys, we’ve got a casualty from the war zone. 

DOUGLAS: How are things on the front? We got worried when the screaming and crashing sounds subsided.

MARTIN: But they seem to have started up again, so clearly all is right with the world. 

CAROLYN: Now that I’ve wrested Arthur out of Miss Cadwallader’s clutches, it is. He won’t be in your hair long, just until I’m certain she’s lost interest.

MARTIN: Wait, interest? Interest, in Arthur? What interest? 

CAROLYN: Our poor boy here found himself the hapless pawn in a power struggle between two forces promised to join in holy union. 

DOUGLAS: Which explains Arthur’s unusually hunted mien. 

ARTHUR: God, she was everywhere.

MARTIN: Hahaha… what?

ARTHUR: She said she was craving me.

CAROLYN: Oh, heavens.

MARTIN: What!?

DOUGLAS: Easy, Martin. Arthur, he was just wondering what Miss Cadwallader had in mind for you.

ARTHUR: Aw, was he? Don't worry, Skip! I can explain it to you.

MARTIN: What? No, I— Arthur, I know what that means! Miss Cadwallader, really?

CAROLYN: Oh, don’t be so surprised. If he had a quid for every country club chippie that pursued Arthur as a way of striking back at some former boyfriend, parental figure, or religious authority, he could buy himself the good sense to find himself a better class of girl.

ARTHUR: Mum! I like to think some of them liked me for me.

MARTIN: Are you joking?

ARTHUR: Gee, Skip, is it so hard to believe?

MARTIN: No, not that. Do you do pretty well, you know, with the girls?

ARTHUR: Well, I don’t like to go on, but—

CAROLYN: Good heavens, he draws them like flies. 

DOUGLAS: Ha! Well done, Arthur!

ARTHUR: I don't think you should talk about them that way.

DOUGLAS: Oh, yes? What’s the proper way to refer to overprivileged toff girls who enjoy a go-round with a human golden retriever?

ARTHUR: Come on, Douglas, a lot of them were nice!

DOUGLAS: They’d have to be, I’m sure.

ARTHUR: Mum, you don’t really think—

CAROLYN: As much as I enjoy dissecting the personal qualities of your bevy of ladyfriends, Arthur, why don’t you slip very quietly back into the galley and start preparing lunch? I’m sure Miss Cadwallader is too distracted by tearing a strip off of her fiance to try to do the same to you.

ARTHUR: All right, Mum.

SOUND: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

MARTIN: Arthur, even Arthur’s got a better hold on it than me!

DOUGLAS: Carolyn, tell Martin something reassuring.

CAROLYN: Why me?

MARTIN: You've got some experience of it.

CAROLYN: Experience of what?

MARTIN: Love.

CAROLYN: Ha!

MARTIN: Well, marriage at least.

CAROLYN: By “marriage,” do you mean the lifelong slog through hell with a man chained behind you at the ankle and children strapped in struggling bundles to your back? 

DOUGLAS: In fairness, you only have one child, and managed to head off the “lifelong” part of things at the pass.

CAROLYN: I should think you, of all people, would understand. Mr. "Third Time Was Definitely Not the Charm."

DOUGLAS: Yes, well, I'm attempting to maintain some vestige of faith in the ideal.

CAROLYN: Oh, God, don't even start this with me. 

MARTIN: We are, after all, talking to the woman who refers to the bloke she's been seeing for a year now a "man she knows."

DOUGLAS: Well, if that's your metric, Carolyn, there's quite a few fellows who count! You tramp, you.

CAROLYN: If my marriages were the alternative, I should have been so lucky.

DOUGLAS: Come now, Carolyn, you were a flight attendant! You're too young to remember, Martin, but there was a time when a hostie could practically name her own price on the old meet market.

CAROLYN: If by name her own price, you mean keep to a weight limit, an age ceiling, and an endless barrage of drunken rich prats pinching your bottom as you walked by. But if you managed to brave all of that to sniff out a fellow in a half-decent suit who could keep his hands to himself, then, yes, we certainly had the world on a string.

MARTIN: So that's what drew you to Gordon. Your expectations were low. 

CAROLYN: Ugh. You should have met my first husband. Little did my twenty-year-old self know, it turns out there is something less appealing than life stuck in Cheshire with my sister Ruth.

DOUGLAS: Ah, a tale as old as time. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy is driven like rented mule in escape from girl's suffocating home life. 

CAROLYN: If only I'd though to start flying sooner. It would have been a less grueling way to get half a world away.

MARTIN: So how did you end up with Gordon then? If you don't mind my asking!

CAROLYN: Oh, you know how it is. With men who are too used to getting their way.

DOUGLAS: No, I really think he doesn't.

CAROLYN: If you haven't learned anything in two marriages, you've only yourself to blame. Men like him, with a bit of money, who walk around like they own the place... their confidence beyond reason and sense has a sort of charm to it. 

DOUGLAS: God bless it.

CAROLYN: Yes, thank you, Douglas! Trouble is, when you're young, you don't always see that... men who always get what they want don't like to give that up... even if you want something different. You try your best to be whatever it is you think he wants, and when you've turned yourself into something so thoroughly false even you can't stand yourself, and soon you find out that he was never worth it anyhow. 

MARTIN: Ah.

(Pause.)

CAROLYN: And of course there was Arthur. Heaven knows he would try the patience of Mother Theresa, but if a boy's own father can't take pity on him, who can?

DOUGLAS: Sounds as though you made the right decision.

CAROLYN: I thought so.

MARTIN: I have to say, it's hard to imagine you putting up with that sort of thing.

CAROLYN: Well, that's when I decided. I was never going to... deal with a man, any man, as anything other than stubbornly, resolutely myself. So if I'm going to fright them off, well, they'll be frighted off sooner rather than later. 

(Pause.)

CAROLYN: Go on and laugh.

DOUGLAS: No. As a matter of fact, I think that's rather beautiful. If they can't handle you at your worst, then they don't deserve you at your... ordinary level of horrid.


	8. Soft Bits

SCENE 8 - INT. FLIGHT DECK

DOUGLAS: Well, look at that. Nearly a solid hour without a crashing. I do believe that’s the record.

MARTIN: Perhaps it’s finally died down.

CAROLYN: Not quite so. Miss Cadwallader’s locked herself in the loo, and that muffles the sobbing.

MARTIN: Well, there goes my next idea.

DOUGLAS: I take it we haven’t raised your spirits much.

MARTIN: With your stories of bitter fights and lover’s betrayal and a total of, oh, five failed marriages? No, can’t say that you have.

CAROLYN: Well, sorry our lives couldn’t have had perfect storybook endings just to make you feel better about your own.

MARTIN: Well, no, but don’t you have… anything encouraging to tell me?

CAROLYN: What do you expect?

MARTIN: I don’t know! Some— something to keep my faith because it’s all going to work out in the end?

CAROLYN: For God’s sake, Martin, the world isn’t some treacly romantic comedy where you’re guaranteed an attractive and suitable mate no matter how awkwardly you botch it.

DOUGLAS: And you don't look much like Hugh Grant.

MARTIN: Maybe— maybe I should just cancel! Call Theresa and tell her I’ve had a terrible family emergency that means I have to… go live in a cave. In Saudi Arabia. Forever.

DOUGLAS: Might be a challenge to explain how you’ve got mobile service.

MARTIN: But come on! If all of you can't manage it, with all your good sense, Carolyn, and your preternatural charm, Douglas, and Arthur’s, well, Arthur’s drowning-puppy sort of aspect? What chance do I have?

SOUND: FLIGHT DECK DOOR OPENING

ARTHUR: Mr. Speedwell— you can’t go back—

CLIFF: Out of the way, twerp! If she can storm off whenever she likes, damn well if I’m going to wait around back there to tear me off another strip!

DOUGLAS: Oh, look, it’s our foremost ringing endorsement for the institution of partnered love.

CAROLYN: Now, look here, Mr. Speedwell—

CLIFF: Blimey— look at the faces on you lot! You’d think you was the ones having an earful from Trudy. What’s got you all ripped up? A girl?

MARTIN: Well—

CLIFF: Know that look a mile off! Listen, mate, let me give you some advice about women that I wish some bloke had spotted me. Don’t even start with them! If I’d known what a fat lot of trouble they all are, well, I might have kept up a few tricks I learned from my days at boarding school!

DOUGLAS: Heh.

MARTIN: Oh, God.

CLIFF: Take it from somebody who’s spent the last seven hours in the bear trap with the bear!

MARTIN: But there’s got to be something to be said for being in love—

CLIFF: Love!? Love’s the bait that lures you into the bloody thing! Until you stick in your soft bits and it snaps them clean off!

MARTIN: Augh!

CAROLYN: There's an image for you.

CLIFF: Love is a sucker’s game, lads, and I for one am sick and tired of the suck.

ARTHUR: Oh, stop it! Stop it, all of you!

CAROLYN: Arthur!

ARTHUR: No, Mum! Would you listen to yourselves!? Grousing on about love like it’s some… pain in the neck you have to put up with, rather than something you’re lucky to find every once in a while?

CLIFF: What are you on about!?

ARTHUR: So it doesn’t always work out with every person you try it with! Does that mean it never works out for everybody, ever? Just because you haven’t found it right away? No, it isn’t always a walk in the park! But so what?

CAROLYN: Arthur, please—

ARTHUR: So what if Fliss set our front lawn on fire when I forgot her birthday? So what if Minty had me hide in the wine cellar for nineteen hours so her father wouldn’t find me in the house? So what if Libbett made me wrap up her Pekingese in my parka so the snow wouldn’t ruin his new perm!?

CAROLYN: Arthur—

ARTHUR: The point is, you got to stick your oar in if you’re going to get anywhere! And yeah, that might mean sometimes… mincing some words, or dodging some crockery, until you figure things aren’t working out. But love’s supposed to make people happy, Mr. Speedstick. If you two hate each other so much, bloody well don’t get married! Because if you do, you’re just going to be tearing into each other for the rest of your lives! And if you don’t really hate each other… what are you doing all this for?

(Pause.)

CLIFF: I ought to— I ought to biff your teeth out for talking to me like that.

CAROLYN: While I sympathize with the urge, sir—

CLIFF: But… but, blast it, you’re right.

ARTHUR: I am?

MARTIN: He is?

CLIFF: So I better go get right myself.

SOUND: FLIGHT DECK DOOR OPENING.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

SOUND: THUMPING ON BATHROOM DOOR.

CLIFF: Trudy, darling? You there?

CAROLYN: (Muttered) Well, unless she’s gone out the window—

TRUDY: (Muffled) What do you want?

CLIFF: Darling, I’m sorry I lost my head. Again. And I’m sorry about all the rest of it. The sniping, the name calling, the towel girl.

SOUND: BATHROOM DOOR OPENING.

TRUDY: Oh, Cliffy. Do you really mean it?

CLIFF: Bloody well do, Trude.

TRUDY: Oh, Cliffy!

ARTHUR: Awwwwww!

DOUGLAS: Well, look at that, Arthur. You’ve used your powers of relentless cheer for good instead of evil for once.

TRUDY: And I’m sorry too, Cliff. For the yelling, and the haranguing, and for chucking the brandy glass.

CLIFF: Let's stop letting the petty stuff come between us, dear. Like the towel girl, and the waitress, and the girl wearing the sushi at the Japanese restaurant.

TRUDY: Wait, who?

CLIFF: Nobody, love! That’s the whole point!

TRUDY: Oh, Cliff!


	9. Count it as a Victory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is the thrilling conclusion of my extra episode of Cabin Pressure! Hope you enjoy it.
> 
> I may write my own version of "Farewell Bear Facts" on it, to use the term John Finnemore uses on his blog when he's giving background info, interesting facts, and glimpses into the process of writing the episodes. That'll be posted in its own chapter. But this is the end of the piece itself! Enjoy!

SCENE 9 - INT. FLIGHT DECK

DOUGLAS: Well, listen to that. Blissful quiet, for the last two whole hours. And if that isn’t a testament to miracles happening, I don’t know what is. 

CAROLYN: I have to hand it to Arthur. We all dream of the power to cow the passengers into submission, but he actually managed it. 

DOUGLAS: And how are you holding up, Martin? Still despondent?

MARTIN: Oh, I don’t know. I’m still not exactly brimming with optimism. But… what Arthur said made a lot of sense. This whole love business is supposed to be for the fun of it. And you sure can't win the match unless you toss your hat into the ring.

DOUGLAS: God knows yours is a hat made to be tossed.

MARTIN: It might still be a disaster, I suppose. But after today, I’ll count it as a victory as long as neither one of us ends up sobbing in the loo. 

CAROLYN:It’s a brave man who pushes on in the wake of such a grim warning as the Speedwells, but it’s an idiot who doesn’t learn from it.

DOUGLAS: Well, given that very low bar, I think you should manage it.

MARTIN: Thanks for your confidence. 

DOUGLAS: Still can teach you those tricks, if you’re interested.

MARTIN: Thanks, but no thanks, Douglas. I… don’t want to be hunting around for a spare car battery on short notice. 

SOUND: INSTRUMENTS BEEP

DOUGLAS: Looks like we’re close.

CAROLYN: At last.

MARTIN: Time to begin descent. Better give them the warning. 

CAROLYN: I’ll go back and do it. We don’t want to spook them now. 

SOUND: CABIN DOOR OPENS

CAROLYN: Excuse me, but we’re about to begin our— Mr. Speedwell? Miss Cadwallader? Arthur, where are they?

SOUND: MUFFLED VOICES, SOFT THUMPING.

ARTHUR: I think one of them’s in the loo.

CAROLYN: But where’s the other—

SOUND: MUFFLED VOICES, SOFT THUMPING.

ARTHUR: Actually, I think… both of them are in the loo. 

TRUDY: (Muffled) Oh, yes, Cliffy! Yes, yes!

ARTHUR: That doesn’t sound like sobbing. 

MARTIN: What’s— oh, God!

CAROLYN: Ugh! What did I tell you? Newlyweds!

DOUGLAS: Well, I _think_ they’ve made up. 

MUSIC: CABIN PRESSURE THEME

MARTIN: That was Cabin Pressure, by Phoebe Roberts! Starring Stephanie Cole as Carolyn, Roger Allam as Douglas, Benedict Cumberbatch as Martin, and John Finnemore as Arthur. It also starred Nathan Page as Cliff and Essie Davis as Trudy. This has been a Breaking Light Production for An Archive of Our Own!

SOUND: AUDIENCE APPLAUSE


	10. Farewell Bear Facts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the style of retrospection on John Finnemore's blog, here are my thoughts on putting together my own personal episode of Cabin Pressure. :-)

Hi there! I’m Phoebe Roberts, an MFA-trained playwright and screenwriter who wrote this as a break from her other projects. I usually write action-adventure period pieces, the chiefest of which is an exploration of “What if Sherlock Holmes were more like a lady Batman?” (www.mrshawking.com) But I love Cabin Pressure, and I wanted to challenge myself to see if I could write a script for an episode that captured the voice, tone, and humor of the canon. 

I knew immediately that I wanted to do a Cabin Pressure version of that classic sitcom plot, where the characters reminisce about romances past. It seemed a fun chance to delve into what made the characters who they are today. It seemed only natural that Martin would have anxiety about his budding relationship with Theresa, which gave a good reason why people might be telling stories and giving advice from their own experience, and everything fell into place. And as I mentioned, I’m a trained scriptwriter, so I kept it in the audio drama script form. 

I modeled the form of this piece on the structure observed by the bottle episodes of the series, Fitton, Limerick, and Xinzhou. They take place over a short period of time, in a circumscribed location like just on the plane, and involve few to no other characters besides the MJN crew. They tend to eschew complicated plot in favor of character exploration, allowing the story to be the process of characters opening up to each other and showing the audience the development of them and their relationships. These episodes tend to be fan favorites for that reason. Given my subject matter, the cast talking about their relationships past and how that shaped their current viewpoints, I thought that would be the right form. 

The challenge of writing a story like this is that you have to have some sort of dramatic movement despite the fact that not much is happening on the surface. It’s easy to mistake an episode like that for just conversation, but the real dramatic action is the characters evolving in their viewpoint, personal growth, or relationships. So anything they talk about has to be in the service of bringing about that kind of change. That’s pretty challenging, to have real dramatic progress made so subtly! Normally I am both a very plot-focused writer and one who usually spends the most planning time meticulously working out the stuff that’s going to happen in order to deal with that. But this time around, not only did I find myself writing this as more character focused, what little plot I needed came to me relatively easily.

The complication I threw in there was the presence of Cliff and Trudy. Their antics could be a force to keep the story moving forward, throwing fuel on the fire of Martin’s anxiety and Carolyn and Douglas’s cynicism. They are pretty flat, sitcommy characters, perhaps too much for what’s typical of Cabin Pressure supporting roles. But they are, I think, genuinely funny, serve the purpose of giving the cast something to react to, and they’re not too far beyond the likes of Mr. Leeman in Boston, or Madam Syzyzko-Brohucz in Gdansk. 

My real biggest concern with them was that I would be so much more interested in what the leads were getting up to that I would dash off the parts with Trudy and Cliff and do a rushed, uninteresting job with them. But you know, scenes for them sprang to my mind surprisingly easily, specifically the bits in scenes 2, 4, and 6. That meant their parts ended up being just as interesting and funny, and made for a nice alternation with main cast scenes that helped keep the pace. 

For me, the fun and challenge of fan fiction writing is to take what the source material established and figure out how to expand on it in a way that feels true to the spirit of it. So I really enjoyed figuring out what Douglas and Carolyn’s alluded-to past relationships might have been like, and more than that, what glimpses into them they would allow other people to see. Cabin Pressure is, in my opinion, particularly good at teaching us about the characters in naturalistic ways, not in contrived infodumps or with no reservations toward emotional exposure. These characters are somewhat private, somewhat guarded with their feelings, so when they talk about personal stuff there’s always a level of reservation that means they don’t necessarily tell us everything. 

I worked hard to emulate that, where the audience has to read between the lines a little to get the complete picture. Douglas, for example, is going to talk about his past relationship failures in terms that emphasize the humor of it, because that’s his way of diffusing the pain and regret. He wouldn’t come straight out and talk about that part of it, because he doesn’t like seeming vulnerable. For the same reason, Carolyn was going to discuss her history in terms of vague irritation, to give off the impression that she’s more angry than bothered, because that is a stronger emotional position. Arthur, with his relentless cheeriness, I gave the softer position to, as I believe he would be the optimist whose view of love isn’t weighed down by cynicism. 

The thing I did best at in this story, and the part of it that I’m most proud of, is I think I did a good job of capturing the voices of the characters. I tried not to settle on any lines for the main cast without being able to hear their voices speaking them in my head, and most feedback I’ve received seems to think that I nailed them. I’m an American, but I’ve made a study of the particulars of British dialects in various time periods, so I tend to be pretty solid at recreating the speech patterns. And I think I managed to make it not only funny, but funny in the same style. It was challenging but I’m very pleased with how it turned out.

Douglas was easily my favorite character to write for, with his clever turn of phrase and his dry wit. I found myself always wanting to give the best and funniest lines to him, which had the unintended result of making the other characters sound considerably less interesting by comparison. I didn’t want that, so I made myself occasionally reassign lines, usually to Carolyn, who’s got quite a bit of wit of her own. Martin ended up being the straight man, which I was mostly okay with since he was the guy with the episode’s core problem, but I made a special effort to make sure that he got a laugh or two of his own. Arthur, while definitely different than the rest of the cast, came surprisingly easy, and even his distinctive voice came through. 

They content is a bit racier than the series ever really went, even though it’s still a bit oblique. While I believe the best, most satisfying fan fiction maintains the spirit of the source material, one of the advantages of it is the ability to do things that maybe the original couldn’t get away with but still feels like it would fit the story. I think that if Martin and Douglas were ever to discuss sex, this is pretty much what it would sound like. 

I also hit my target of giving it a roughly thirty-minute runtime if it were to be performed. I'd LOVE to hear it, though it would lose a lot of its effectiveness if the actors were not, at least, able to do reasonable facsimiles of the way the characters talk. If anyone cares to give it a try and record it, I'd be more than happy to hear it, though. As long as you credit me for the script and give me a chance to hear the finished product, consider my permission given.

As a whole piece, it’s not perfect. The ending could be a bit more polished. Cliff’s turn is somewhat abrupt, but any attempt I made to draw it out a little seemed to undercut the humor of his being swayed by Arthur’s confused, not-terribly-on-point outburst of speech. As I said, Cliff and Trudy are fairly two-dimension sitcom characters. I may go back and edit it, if I can think of a way to improve it. And it’s a small thing, but Cliff’s accent kept wanting to go coarser than was strictly appropriate for a man of the class I imagine him to be from. It still kind of turned out that way. Briefly I considered making it so he was obviously new money, but that didn’t seem to jibe so well with the joke about him being “Clifford Speedwell III.” So let’s handwave it by saying that money doesn’t buy class.

I am pretty happy with how it came out overall. My favorite line in the piece is “Do you at least take the hat off for that? Or does she like you to keep it on?” I think that is a crack worthy of Finnemore himself, and it’s so perfectly Douglas. I hope you liked it too, and found it met its stated goal— that of blending into the series in a way that was both worthy and believable. 

Thanks for reading! And feedback is of course always appreciated. If you’re interested in my original work, please check it out on my personal website, www.phoeberoberts.com.


End file.
